A Solitude Experiment
Freedom, Choice, External Structures
This week is a week of solitude. With my roommates away from our shared house, it’s a trial period of living by myself. The time spanned Lunar New Year and Valentine’s Day, which is supposed to be spent with people, making the solitude experiment more interesting.
1. Allowing more freedom and sparking new ideas
The honeymoon phase started by having the kitchen all to myself and cooking extensively. Without worrying I was occupying too much space, I simmered tofu stew and 炼猪油 at midnight, made sweet rice dumplings from scratch, and experimented with miso-glazed salmon, hosting some friends to try my new dishes as well.
Looking forward to my lovely roommates returning to House of Treat and sharing my newly-developed food with them!
2. Noticing compulsion vs. choice. Am I doing things by choice or to fill up time?
I noticed that I tend to want to call my partner when I’m alone at home, but I resisted. Face the solitude, I told myself.
It made me think - do I invite people over because I genuinely wish to connect with them? Or did I do it because I’m bored?
I realized it’s distinguishing between “I have to fill the silence” with “I want to share this with people”, making sure that everything I do is a choice rather than a compulsion. This is a question I will keep asking myself after this.
3. What external structures I’m relying on?
Did I feel lonely? For sure, but only the one day when I woke up late and missed the yoga session because I was staying up late indulging in YouTube videos on a movie I watched recently.
It seems like a productivity rather than due to being alone. But it’s related, as when I’m living with people, I feel watched, so I’m more likely to go to sleep on time, and appear to be who I want myself to be.
It seems like I’m using external forces for my self-control! However, my ultimate goal is to have self-control by myself.
But this week is a gift exposing where I lean on external structures, so that I can rebuild them internally. I’m excited to experiment with how I can go to sleep on time just because I wish to be energetic and healthy, rather than because of other people’s gaze.
After my experiment, I think I will live by myself at some point in my life, but right now I will still focus on building our co-living house with love <3
I can also cook for you huihui 🤗
At big sur